INTRO: This is probably the most common social question/issue that is discussed in our circles. Rather than trying to take a stab at it myself (being unmarried and not ready for dating at this time myself), I had someone who is in a very beautiful Christian marriage give me his take based off of his experiences. In this way, I think it’s wiser to learn from someone who has accomplished this part of his life. Out of humility, he chose to stay anonymous. Without further ado, let’s see what this very spiritual servant has to say about this topic!
The Fault of American Society and Dating
A lot of youth have asked me before, “how do you know if you are ready to start dating?” The truth is that it’s not an easy question. It takes a great amount of self-analysis, blessings from your father of confession, and whether or not the person you are interested in courting is also ready. The truth is, more youth are focused on someone that will satisfy their wants rather than focusing on glorifying God in his perfect timing. More youth are less focused on God and more focused on themselves. It explains why there are so many problems in marriages today.
We live in an American society that has trained us to think: “what do we want and how quickly can we get it?” “What traits must our future spouse have?” He/she must be successful, come from a good family, cook, clean, be social, etc. We almost have a checklist of traits that our future spouse must have. It’s a dangerous way to look for a future spouse because you are setting them up for failure in the future. The real questions that you need to ask are:
- What can I offer to someone else?
- Do I practice what I believe?
- Do I have the ability to love my future spouse?
The divorce rate in America is roughly at 50%, and it’s simply scary it’s that high. No one that gets married expects to eventually get divorced. If they did, then why get married in the first place? But why is the divorce rate that high? The expectations of what the other spouse is providing to the relationship falls short. They become so dissatisfied that separating from this person will better fit their current needs and wants. It is American society that has implemented a mindset that marriages need constant and immediate satisfaction. Anyone that has been in a marriage for a long time knows that this is impossible but it is also not a reason to divorce.
The true problem actually was planted when the couple was courting before marriage. They were focused on what their future spouse could do for them rather than their future spouse’s relationship with God. They were more focused on what their future spouse had to offer rather than what they could offer. A true Christian relationship between a man and woman is rooted in God by following biblical examples and the wisdom of the church.
My Wife and I
When I first started courting my beautiful wife, she gave me a set of 5 tape cassettes (google tape cassettes if you don’t know what they are) that contained talks about marriage. I figured what the heck and listened to them. I wasn’t expecting much from them but the real truth is I really liked her and she was wayyyyyy out my league. I was a little leaguer playing in the World Series. I had to make this work and I couldn’t be more thankful that it did.
Well the guy that was giving the talks said a statistic that forever stuck in my head. 1 out of 1,156 couples that pray together daily get a divorce. He riddled off another statistic that 1 out of 10,000 couples that pray and read the Bible together daily get a divorce. I don’t have a reference for the second statistic but the message was clear:
- Pray together to God to bless and strengthen the marriage by making Him the center of the marriage
- Practice and believe in biblical principles of marriage
If you can do that than your marriage, from a statistical purpose, is divorce proof. Not only divorce proof but your marriage overall will be more satisfying.
Orthodoxy and Dating
As Orthodox Christians we also have the wisdom of the Church and the Church Fathers to help guide us successfully through our marriages. If we don’t practice prayer and reading our bible before marriage then what are the chances we will do it with our spouse after you get married? My guess is very low. Are you ready for marriage if you don’t do those two basic Christian actions? Nope, plain and simple.
Let’s look at the story of the union between Rebekah and Isaac in Genesis 24. The premise of the chapter is that Abraham, Isaac’s father, sent out his servant to find a wife for his son. Rebekah, who was beautiful, as it is stated in Genesis, did not wish to use her beauty as a way to attract attention. It was almost as if she did not know how beautiful she was. If we read carefully in Genesis 24, she did not even wear jewelry before she met Abraham’s servant even though she came from a rich family. She also kept herself pure by not knowing any man before.
When Abraham’s servant, after a long journey, approaches Rebekah, she is more than willing to serve him in any way possible. Even to the point of serving his camels water: “And when she had finished giving him a drink, she said, ‘I will draw water for your camels also, until they have finished drinking’” Genesis 24:19. Rebekah did not know the purpose of Abraham’s servant’s journey at this point. She did not even know who he was. She was only focused on serving him to the best of her abilities.
What we learn is that Rebekah is filled with boundless loving kindness to anyone she encounters. She teaches us to look for times and places where we can be of service, to be proactive and useful, without calculating whether there are others around who could, or should, do the same. Don’t forget she was a woman and her acts of service to Abraham’s servant were better suited for man but these acts of service convinced the servant that he has found Isaac’s bride. She was a woman who was not focused on finding a husband or her beauty. She was simply a content woman that sacrificed without regard.
Later on in the chapter in verse 63 “Isaac went out to meditate in the field in the evening…” We see here that Isaac, even though he is mourning the passing of his mother, Sarah, still has a strong relationship with God by taking the evening to meditate with God. Keep in mind, it was not even Isaac that was looking for his future wife but rather his father Abraham. Both Rebekah and Isaac were content with their current status of being single, but here we see that it was God’s intentions to bring them together. It was God’s blessing of their union by both of them having strong relationships with God evidenced by their behavior of service and meditation in Genesis 24.
“Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her.” – Genesis 24:67
Notice the last three words. He loved her. Isaac loved Rebekah. It took three years from the passing of Sarah, his beloved mother, for Isaac to be ready to love his new wife. Isaac’s love for Rebekah took three years to develop even though they did not know of each other until the day they met. Love takes time to develop and to offer as a sacrifice of commitment.
The union of Isaac and Rebekah makes it clear that by prayer and following the principles that God provides for our good that our future spouse will be found. Patience is needed. For Isaac it was 3 years. For you it might be longer. But in the meantime your sole focus is glorifying God. These practices when you are single will lead to successful and happy marriages that glorify God in His abundance. Are you ready to court? Ask yourself: what do you have to offer? Are you practicing what you believe as a Christian? Do you have the ability to love your future spouse?
“The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together. Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love just as Christ sacrificed His life for the life of the church.” – St. John Chrysostom , Sermon on Marriage
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